The Special Treatment Nonsense

How can I support diabetx the right way? From overprotective micromanagement and excessive help in "carrying the burden" to a truly supportive, imperfect companion who joins the path of learning to live a self-determined diabetic life.

Yes, of course we all want to feel loved and treated specially by someone. It is a great feeling to know that there are people out there who care and want the best for you. Still, it happens too often that it becomes overprotective and finally ends in frustration and conflict.

Especially young diabetx are additionally confronted by a seemingly overwhelming set of tasks and responsibility. Consequently, they are -- mostly by their parents -- shielded off from any kind of decision making, resulting in tough challenges when all responsibility is truly put on them at an older age. The mistakes you never make will not protect you when they inevitably happen. And it is not the parents fault. Because they are confronted with an overwhelming and stressful challenge themselves, however, many think they need to take accountability for the wellbeing of their child. But it is impossible to be always there and the downside is obvious: there is no autonomy! Docs only focus and communicate on what needs to be done better instead of starting with a couple of nice motivating words that show the intended support and open the patient's mind to collaborate.

And the elderly, being confronted with a diagnose at a later stage of their lives, in many cases feel treated unworthy in regards of their lifetime achievements. The "Now more than ever ..." resistance is then laid out as a passive-aggressive warning to everyone who confuses special support for overprotective micromanagement.

All of these scenarios are prone to conflict, which is rarely direct or expressed through emotional outburst and verbal arguments. What overly helping supporters then face is that they are simply being ignored, defied or confronted with uncooperative behaviour. It is a clear warning sign to take a step back.

One of the biggest drivers for us all being engaged and happy is autonomy and freedom. Also diabetx want to feel empowered, independent and in full control of their wellbeing. The trouble is that, especially in the beginning, controlling this complex and quite sensitive sugar system of our body is a (not really existent, but felt) horror and the consequences of not having it under control can be severe. It is something that needs to be perfectly set up, despite being so sensitive to any change one applies. Whether using a sophisticated pump system or a pen, you need to find your daily routine and let your insulin work within range. That is why I also believe that people who are newly diagnosed or are seeking again medical help to fix the poorly adjusted therapy remain hospitalized for too long. Of course your sugar level will be great when you spend your day with nothing else than lying in bed, reading, eating precisely measured and gauged carbohydrates and every hour somebody comes to remind you for a measurement or the eventual injection. And then you are out: Boom - there is stress, homework, appointments, deadlines, troubles, fast-food, kids and what not. Diabetx in their 30s feel it the most; the career picks up pace, family becomes a topic, everything becomes a topic - except yourself. This is the time where you realize that you are special and you have special needs that should be prioritized and cannot be ignored. These are the times when a companion can make sense and be helpful. Someone who understands and motivates, without judging. Someone who can point out where you are not mindful enough in your daily routine and who can draw your attention to the daily hidden pitfalls that you should steer around.

Here is the fine line... between integrating diabetes into your everyday "normal" life without any boundaries and actively mindfully acknowledging that you do have special requirements and every right to claim special attention to it. In fact, since I was a young teenager I did not want people to know. Actually, I had and still have this strange proud feeling when people do not realize I am diabetic, even not noticing when I am injecting insulin in front of them. I am not ashamed, I just do not want to stand out. For a long time I wondered why that is the case? Well, it is simply that nobody wants to drag special attention to areas where they are not necessarily required. And that is a tough thing to gauge, however, it can be narrowed down to a somewhat optimal area by time and experience. Or the times in school, where I was given the "special privilege" to enter the teacher's staff room to measure my blood sugar in peace and without any distraction. I hated that! Firstly, because I always had the feeling some teachers were not informed, thus disturbed by my presence when they were actually looking for peace, secondly because I did not want to be "specially" treated. Besides, the biggest attraction during the breaks for my schoolmates was the 12 sec (!) countdown till my Boehringer-Ingelheim Accu-Check finally was ready to call out a number. It was like a rocket start! 5...4...3...2...1 - everybody shouted and laughed - we had a blast! I guess what disturbed me was that nobody actually asked me whether I want or need the special privilege. It was "assumed for me" and that was nonsense - I never asked for it. I was good - everybody in the classroom was good - and had fun with it.

In case you want to support a diabetic, whether it is your child, grandparent, partner or friend, first of all: It is a great, kind, fantastic act of yours and surly will be appreciated. Be aware though that it does not require any other special treatment or extra care. Autonomy is key - support it to grow! Diabetes is neither contagious, nor will most people even realize a person has it. What is contagious is the stress, the worries, the fear in your eyes, words and posture. Do not let uncertainty come to you - just be there: A gentle reminder once in a while, a tap on the shoulder that says "You got this" or bringing the pen when you see it lying around somewhere, is all it takes. And -- especially in cases, where you feel overwhelmed -- communicate clearly from your perspective, listen actively to what is really needed from you, accept boundaries where applicable and seek compromise between your "wisdom of life" and new shores that need to be explored in a joint effort together.

All in all, support is not that you carry the cross for somebody else. "A problem shared is a problem halved" does not count here, because it simply is nothing you can take over. It is important to acknowledge that self-engagement and -determination are some of the highest values for diabetx. So, do not take it away by trying to make any special arrangements that are not required. Open the doors and be inviting to a normal way of living - anything else is a great-A baloney.

Did you face situations like this at some points of your life? How did you deal with it? Let me know in the comments.